Form includes all physical things in our world that we identify with such as our home, car, furnishings, clothes, collectibles, etc. Form, however, also includes ideas and concepts that we identify with and belong to such as our race, nationality, education, profession, sports teams, our sex/gender, to name a few. If someone were to ask me who I am, I could rattle off a list of descriptors: I am a white, middle-aged, balding male who grew up and currently lives in the Midwest and who owns a home and a car and have several college degrees. Each one of the descriptors, however, has the potential to create separation of me from others. Thus, someone who is not Caucasian, as an example, is “other” from my egoic mind. Similarly, I might have a tendency to associate with others who are well educated because it would strengthen my sense of self from my ego’s perspective. None of the descriptors of me that I used above convenes my true essence from a consciousness perspective, however, and all are impermanent.

Form by its very nature cannot last nor stay the same. As a stark example, every physical body eventually dies, and we leave behind money and possessions that we have accumulated during our lifetimes. As a less extreme example, many of us identify with sports teams. When our team wins a big game or a championship, we are ecstatic, but lurking in the background is the knowledge that at some point in future, this same team will once again likely revert to being only average or worse.

 Since ego is identified with form, it knows that it has a temporary, fragile existence. Thus, ego must continually work at strengthening itself by reinforcing “otherness,” even if in the slightest way for a short period of time. One way that it can temporarily bolster itself is to insist that it is right about something—a disputed fact, method, memory, principle. Being right temporarily allows our ego to be “special” in someway, and the ego on the other side of the dispute then becomes “un-special.” If you are in a relationship and your egoic goal is to continually be the “special,” thus making your partner “un-special,” that seems a no-win proposition for both parties. In that case your ego may have temporarily won a battle, but it will surely lose the war. And it seems insane even to talk about a relationship using a war metaphor. Don’t let your relationship be a war, and if you struggle how to do that, seek professional help.

There appears to be a minority constituency in Congress that is very adamant and vocal that they will not compromise. They intend to stick to their principles no matter what. Therefore, their position is “right” and any other differing, competing viewpoint or opinion is “wrong.” I ask you: Would that inflexible, rigid attitude work in an intimate relationship? Would you want to be involved, even in a casual relationship, with someone who refuses to budge, who insists that she is right and you are wrong? Since when did insisting on “having it my way and only my way” ever work in any kind of relationship? I believe that “my way or the highway” mentality invites and even creates an equal opposing force. In fact, I hypothesize that this same group may have adopted their “no quarter given” strategy because they may have felt that in previous situations they had been forced to submit to more powerful others. This one-up-manship cycle will be never ending; there will be no eventual, ultimate “winner.”

Let me be clear: I am not arguing against holding deeply-held principles. I think having them is important and desirable. I suggest, however, that we not equate the insistence of being right with being true to one’s principles. I believe that we can hold deeply-held principles while also being open to negotiation and compromise. Does not getting my way automatically mean that I have sacrificed my principles? I do not think so. To me the great balancing act in any successful relationship is being true to oneself and aware of our needs and desires while also realizing that there is another person (or perhaps many others) who also has needs, wants, and preferences. Insisting on always being right with those we live with, work with, or interact with erodes goodwill and trust and will eventually prove disastrous. Sadly, much of what I see going on in Washington now—and in politics, in general—is a great deal of ego and posturing. Being “right” may temporarily bolster our ego, but it is a corrosive force in any relationship.

I will have much more to say about “ego” in future posts.

Where does the need to be right come from? From my perspective as a therapist, I believe it almost always comes from our childhood wounds. A child who is never validated while growing up has a tremendous need to be validated as an adult. If she did not receive it from a parent, she will seek it from her adult, romantic partner. Often her mate will have a similar deficit in his background. Upon meeting and in the initial stages of their courtship, both may feel that they have finally met their soul mates. They just “clicked” and felt so comfortable with each other from the get-go. However, their emotional deficits from their histories will likely soon come to the surface. Sadly, each may withhold validation of the other, waiting instead for the other to validate him/her first. The thinking may be below the level of awareness, but it likely goes something like this, “I’m not going to validate you until you validate me.” Of course, being right is one way to be validated. This is a stand-off that can last many years and can add layer upon layer of bitterness and resentment.

I also believe that for most of us being right means that we are control, in a “one up” position, which gives us at least a temporary feeling of stability and security, something some of may have sorely lacked while growing up. Sometimes a child can be put in a position of having too little control, too much control, or maybe even alternately both. Children who are raised by caregivers who are selfish, immature, unstable, or possibly even addicted were frequently subjected to those caregivers’ whims. The caregivers may alternately subject the child to arbitrary, capricious demands one minute, giving him virtually no control (e.g., saying no to the child no matter what the request), and perhaps only minutes later expect that same child to fix his own dinner or take care of his baby sister while they go out. The instability this environment creates for the child a tremendous need for control and predictability in his life. Unfortunately, those are qualities that do not serve a relationship.

In working with couples, I often hear some variation of the complaint: “Well, if she really loved me, she would know what I want.” Some of us may have the romantic, but unrealistic, notion that our partner should anticipate our needs and wants. While that may occur sometimes, it is unlikely to happen consistently and reliably. I indicate gently, but emphatically, to couples that expecting one’s partner to intuit or mind-read is not a part of a healthy relationship. If something is truly important to you, why risk that your partner will not meet your expectation by remaining silent about what it is that you want? Speak up! In fact, your mate may be very grateful to receive explicit direction about what you would like from him. No more guesswork! I maintain that by keeping quiet, you are setting yourself up to be continually disappointed and frustrated, which usually then leads to resentment and perhaps even hostility.

I believe that each of us is primarily responsible for his/her own happiness. We enter into relationship because we have needs and wants that we cannot provide for ourselves, e.g., companionship, sexual satisfaction and fulfillment, emotional connection. However, even for those needs and wants that we cannot provide for ourselves, we still have the primary responsibility to arrange to have them met through our partner. Part of that “arranging” should be discussions with and direct requests to our intimate partner about what we want from him.

I remind couples, however, that just because you have asked for something sincerely, directly from your partner does not automatically mean that she is obliged to grant the request. Perhaps your spouse will be willing to grant your request, perhaps not. By putting it out there, however, it eliminates the guesswork, as mentioned previously, and it may also provide the opportunity to have a genuine discussion or negotiation between the two of you about how—or if—the request will be granted.

The concept of asking for what we want is relatively simple and straightforward, but in practice it can be far more difficult. Since most of us have come from a family system where there is some amount of dysfunction, most of us probably did not see honest, open communication modeled by our caregivers. It is unlikely that we saw our parents asking for what each wanted from the other and then having frank discussions about those needs/wants. Sadly instead, many of us saw our parents manipulate, put out passive-aggressive “hints,” threaten, resort to hysteria and drama, or perhaps even bullying to get what they wanted from the other. Small wonder then that we do not know how to directly, unapologetically ask for what we want from our mate.

Sometimes the most difficult part of learning to ask directly for what we want is to own our needs and wants. Again, if we have come from a dysfunctional background, we become very anxious when we feel vulnerable. One of the ways we may have learned in our childhood to manage our anxiety about feeling vulnerable was to disconnect from our needs and wants (and to disconnect from our feelings, in general). Some of us may have resorted to “caretaking” of others to keep our needs and wants in check. We still have them, but they have gone underground. Thus, in order to ask for what we want now in our current relationship means that we have to finally acknowledge what our wants and needs really are, a scary proposition because it increases our feelings of vulnerability and highlights our dependence on another person. And what if he should say no?!? Learning to identify our needs and wants and then asking another person to help meet them, however, enhances our emotional growth and may also help heal some of our childhood wounds.

In many relationships the woman can become very frustrated because her partner does not open up about his feelings. (While I am using a heterosexual couple in this example, these dynamics can also exist in same-sex couples. Although less common, sometimes it may be the man who is frustrated because his wife/girlfriend does not share her feelings.) This can often lead to a stuck place in a relationship and one that can bring a couple into therapy, usually the woman bringing her husband in because as far as he is concerned everything is fine. My typical question to the woman, in this hypothetical case, is, “Oh, so you want your husband (or boyfriend) to talk about nuclear physics in Latin.” She may look at me quizzically, but then I go on to explain. She is expecting him to have engaged in a process, i.e., introspection and self-examination, that our culture has not encouraged, much less permitted, her partner to undertake. Thus, he has never acquired the language to express himself in that domain. In fact, on an unconscious level he may be in that relationship just so that he doesn’t have to feel. His wife is very good at that, and he likely is expecting that she will do it for both of them.

While I believe that it is important to share our feelings in an intimate relationship, one cannot fault the man if he was never taught how to do that. Did he see his father sharing his feelings with his mother—or with anyone for that matter? Probably not. Was he permitted to express his hurt, frustration, or sorrow when he was growing up? Almost certainly not. If I can be gentle and patient enough, I may be able to get the husband to begin that process, but I often have my work cut out for me because he will typically have to overcome a lifetime of “male socialization” to do that. In fact, it is not unusual for some men to be downright phobic about feelings. Just today a chance encounter at the gym illustrated that to me.

I became engaged in a conversation with a middle-aged man who was working out on the equipment next to me. Prior to today we have often said hello to each other and exchanged pleasantries, but we do not know each other. In our conversation I had asked him what he did for a living (admittedly a very “male” question). I do not recall how the topic of feelings came up in that inquiry, but he expressed scorn towards anyone who would base a decision on feelings. Only left-brain logic for him, he insisted. He matter-of-factly told me that feelings were “weak” and made fun of anyone and everyone who would indulge themselves by feeling them, much less exploring them, because feelings were worthless. He even suggested that the focus on feelings was the result of a leftist agenda. While his reaction may have been extreme, it illustrates the type and amount of energy that many men have invested to stay away from their feelings. While I do not agree with him, given the setting and our casual relationship, I felt no mandate to try to change his mind. Besides, perhaps we need less proselytizing and more let-each-other-be in this world. (By the way, I have no intention of avoiding him in future trips to the gym. He did not harm me in any way today; my sense of self remained intact.)

 I will have much more to say about feelings in future posts.

I do not profess to have solved all my own issues or be “enlightened,” but I can report that I have honestly wrestled with my personal issues for the better part of 18 years and that I continually strive for more awareness, integrity, and genuineness in my life. Beginning around age 40 I began my own internal journey to examine and heal the wounds that I carried from my childhood, a journey that while not fun resulted in tremendous growth, insight, and dare I say peace for me. Since I am now firmly established in my middle-age, I am also responding to the call to be of “service” with this blog. If what I have learned might be helpful to others, I am willing to pass it on should they also find it useful or provocative.

Perhaps it is just me in my maturing years, but I also have a sense that the very survival of our planet depends on us elevating our collective consciousnesses. I see evidence all around me that collectively we are experiencing ever increasing feelings of fear and insecurity, but I do not think that the extreme—and sometimes the almost nonsensical—efforts we make to try to protect ourselves from all possible threats is the solution. Approaching life from a stance of fear is life-constricting and a type of insanity, I believe. I also believe that the solution to this will require a fundamental shift in our consciousnesses, and even if it is in the slightest way, I wish to participate in helping that shift to occur. Therefore, I intend that the tenor of these postings be about peace, acceptance, hope, cooperation, and unity in the service of learning and growing. I will confess upfront that there likely will be times where I will fail to meet my own standards (we all have bad days at times!), but I hope to return to these qualities again and again.

Finally, a few words of explanation: In my attempt to promote inclusivity and gender-neutrality, word choice can sometimes be a challenge. While I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I take “marriage” to include any two people who have a primary emotional commitment to each other—legally married or not, opposite-sex or same-sex. Similarly, I believe  “family” can include many possible relationships and constellations and that blood alone does not determine “family.” Also with respect to pronouns, I dislike excessive use of the combinations “s/he,” “him/her,” and “his/hers” because I think it reduces readability, but there is currently no generally accepted gender-neutral, singular pronoun (or perhaps “omni-gender” pronoun is more correct) that can refer to either a male or a female. The choice of pronouns when writing about couples becomes more complicated in that the couple’s issues that I will write about are applicable to both opposite-sex and same-sex couples. Thus, I will do the best I can to maintain readability and promote inclusivity, while also trying to be grammatically correct.

I thank you for reading, and I hope that you find some useful “nuggets” here. I hope to post on a weekly basis.